This past year I have been remodeling the house to take it from fully accessible to more aging in place with my style added. Well, not really style but vibe. That is how I have styled my home, with a peaceful, calm vibe. It was needed after years of living in the chaos that ALS brought to our lives and home.
Like the house, I have been under construction but my changes required a full tear down approach. That is because there is nothing to remodel when you are shattered and broken. That is what Tom’s death did to me. My foundation was so shaken that I crumbled under the weight of the grief his death brought me. It took me months to realize that the repairs to my heart and soul would take a tear down and full rebuild to repair the damage the ALS journey and his death caused. This is what a terminal disease looks like for the family on the other side, the beyond.
Building myself back up has taken time, but brick by brick it is happening. I credit all the things I have done to date to get me to this point. Taking time and allowing myself to feel every emotion, to fully grieve my husband was necessary. It was hard, man, was it hard, but I did it and continue to do it. Feeling all the emotions allowed me to fully tap into who I was as scary as that is and who I wanted to be. The hot-tub mindfulness, meditation and yoga have allowed me to sit with myself, learn to love myself and be comfortable in the pain and in doing so I found my version of peace and happiness. I found talking with other widows/widowers helped as well in not just normalizing the crazy things I was feeling and thinking but confirming that these feelings and thoughts were not just mine but that others felt the same. It removed the isolation and loneliness that grieving can cause. All of the things I was doing allowed me to see the world in a different way. To see that I could continue to build myself up so I can have a future I could possibly look forward to living. That’s a big statement right there folks. When Tom first died, I couldn’t see a happy future for myself and to be honest, didn’t even want to think about being happy again. How could I find happiness when Tom was gone? As the intense grief subsided and I started to see myself healing, being happy again was something I thought was actually possible and yes, I did want it.
I am finding in this grief journey, the more I let go, the more abundant my life becomes. Letting go of the intense grief or the guilt surrounding me moving forward with my life and Tom dying. I am reconnecting with friends, making new friends, finding hobbies and activities I like and shocker, I have even begun dating. I wasn’t looking to date just yet, but what started out as connecting with an ALS widower to get through the 2nd year holidays has transitioned into a friendship and now companionship or as I have been saying, my special friend/friendship. There is a deep level of understanding and mutual respect for what we went through and what we are going through as we navigate life moving forward. I don’t think I would even be able to allow myself to feel happy if I had not done the work and taken the time to rebuild myself into the person I am today. Am I fully restored? Nah, but my foundation is solid as is the framework of this new me. Just like the house remodel, I am different. There is no way around that but like I talked about in a previous post, this version of me is more authentic. I am more confident in myself and what I want for my future and like the remodel, my vibe is so different than it was before Tom died.
As the home remodel is coming to a close, I have wondered what Tom would think. Would he like the new look and new vibe of the house? The same goes for me, what would he think of this version of me? I think he would most definitely be proud of who I have become and the path I am on with my healing. He would be happy that I can now honestly say that I am finding happiness in this beyond life of mine. What would he think of the remodel, well he would most definitely tell me there are too many girly touches, but if it makes me happy, he is happy.
So whether you are a teardown or a remodel, take the time to do the work, understand the journey and the effort and cost in rebuilding is worth every minute and every dime!
All my love,
Lara