Widow Truth-Lost

gray wooden maze

The past few months have been busy for Trey and I. In March we went on our first big road trip since losing Tom. Was I nervous? Yes, nervous and scared is more like it. Would I be able to drive 8 to 10 hours a day? Would I get lost? Would I be able to keep the boy and I safe during our travels? All the fears and big feelings followed me as we visited Mobile, Alabama, Savannah, Georgia, Holden Beach, North Carolina, and Vicksburg, Mississippi. The feeling of accomplishment was huge after that trip. Just a few weeks ago we were in Washington, DC where both Trey and I took part in the Elizabeth Dole Foundation Convening. Again, we went out of our comfort zones, feeling lost and again the feeling of accomplishment we gained by pushing forward was huge. We ultimately found our way through, but the fear of being lost and placing ourselves in uncomfortable situations is so very real.

That is how the past 10 months have been for me, that is how I feel about my grief-everything seems so far out of my comfort zone and I feel lost most of the time. Today as I start my week, that feeling of being lost is very strong. It is a big, big, BIG feeling day. Lots of tears. Tom has been front and center of my thoughts these days. I know part of it has to do with my DC trip where I needed to go back to when he passed and work through those memories as I prepared for my speech. It was hard, but it was also therapeutic to open the ole trauma closet where I stuffed a lot of those feelings. I know probably a bigger part of it has to do with the fact that July is right around the corner. I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that Tom has been gone almost a year. It feels like a lifetime ago that I last kissed him or held his hand but in the same breath it feels like it was only yesterday.

When we cross the one year mark, what then? I have unapologetically been grieving, saying it is my grief, my time, but at a year will there be a miraculous shift in my grief? Will day 366 be different than the ones before it or is this just another milestone? Will I not feel so lost in this world without my husband? Will the path I am supposed to be on somehow illuminate to light my way? Today with the big feels, I can’t see anything but a maze ahead and yes, I feel incredibly lost.

This is grief my friends. The struggle to interact with the world with a smile is hard. Behind the smile is a very lost and sad soul and the struggle to interact is uncomfortable. I know as I find my way through this maze of life I will look back at what I accomplished which will be to live a life Tom would want for me, and one that I can be proud of.

All my love,


Widow Truth: Rambling thoughts on a Sunday morning

For a week I have felt pretty good. I have found myself with enough energy to get out of the house and start interacting with the world. You know, doing things that I see people around me doing. Going to the store, going for walks, pretty much living and taking care of everyday life. For me, I find I can do things in little increments because the world around me is so overwhelming. Life is overwhelming, but this past week I have not felt so overwhelmed…until yesterday and today. Tom is on my mind and heart everyday. Everyday is another reminder that I am doing this world alone. But for a week, the heaviness of Tom’s loss was not as great which is why I sit here today feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me and the weight of grief is suffocating. As I was wondering around my house this morning, and when I say this I mean actually slowly walking around from room to room with no plan to where I was going or what I was doing. Just wondering around and trying to understand why is my heart and soul feeling so unsettled. So, I turned around to my two shadows, Lou and Remi our german shepherds that were following me on my mindless journey around the house, and told them, “I bet today is the 15th”. It is. 6 months since Tom passed.

The significance of the 15th for me is that it is a marker of time. Tom died on July 15th and it just so happens that our twin girls died on June 15th. As with the girls and with our son that we lost, John, the day Tom passed is a part of me. My heart is forever marked by my love for them and it bears the scars their losses have left on it. It is as if their deaths are ingrained in my DNA. My heart and soul pick up on these anniversaries before I am consciously aware of them. This is something I have learned over the years with the babies. I could be just doing my thing and around the anniversary of their loss, I would find myself in a loop of sadness. Honestly, with the babies I thought it had something to do with the whole mother/child bond and that is why my body remembered the anniversaries. Maybe the answer is really tied to having your heart bonded to someone else, and mine was fully and completely bonded to Tom.

I am glad this awareness happened this morning. Now that I understand why yesterday and this morning was tough on me I can work to focus on that bond we shared and see the beauty in it…and it was beautiful. I was blessed to meet Tom when I was just 19 years old and we had a beautiful, loving life together. That is something some people never find or it takes them a while to find that one person that was made for them. Without a doubt, Tom was made for me. So, yesterday and this morning I focused on what I lost, but I will move through today and I will push myself to focus on the blessing I had and that was 32 years with the man my heart bonded with so many years ago.

All my love.