Today at HEB (the most amazing grocery store here in Texas for you who are not from the Great State of Texas), I found myself standing in the aisle looking for gallon size zip lock bags when memories of past Holidays came pouring in. I am not sure how long I stood there: three seconds, thirty seconds, or a minute plus. What I can tell you is that when I came back to the present, I was crying, and my heart was full of Guilt. I kinda believe this little visit from guilt has something to do with me actually feeling hope and happiness as I enter the holidays. Which is a complete 180 degree change from this time last year. Maybe there is guilt related to some advocacy I have been working on. We are close to seeing a piece of legislation become law, and I am terribly sad that Tom is not here to see this. It is something that meant a great deal to him. Maybe it has something to do with all my travels or maybe it is just that time of year when we reflect on the past.

Guilt is the little bastard of emotions, isn’t it? I will tell you that before the ALS journey in 2016, that little emotion controlled me. I let feelings of guilt related to me believing I needed to be more or do more. Of course, that was of my own doing right. People can’t make us feel guilty; only we can do that. I mean, people can try but it is an emotion that you alone control. So why today, in the middle of the aisle, looking at zip-locks? Maybe it had to do with my shopping. I was picking up some items for Thanksgiving. I have not planned or cooked a real, traditional Thanksgiving meal in a long time. We have been lucky enough to be the recipients of Thanksgiving meals thanks to our amazing neighbors while caregiving took all my time. The year that Tom died, our family had a Thanksgiving dinner and last year we pretty much skipped it.

As I finished my shopping and drove home, this post started to write itself in my head. That’s typically how my posts start, with me trying to figure out what I am feeling or why. When Tom died, I felt guilty for being alive. When I smiled again, I felt guilty for being happy. Taking these trips, yep, guilt for having adventures Tom would never have. Here is a big one: guilt when I started dating again. The guilt with that, HUGE. I mean I felt like I was cheating on my husband. With each of these, I felt the emotion and recognized that it was just that, an emotion. The reality was that yes, I was alive and he was not. I was finding happiness again even with my broken heart. I could and did enjoy my adventures, the ones he never went on and yes, happiness in dating a man that was not my husband, I mean that was not my late husband was real.

Our brain and heart plays tricks on us. Sometimes they refuse to work together to keep us in the now, in reality. I think this is why I have found it is so much easier to give in to the feelings and not fight them. It allows me to listen to what my body and mind are telling me which I believe is just to feel the sadness. Usually if I do allow myself to feel the feels, my brain kicks back in and grounds me in reality. Tom is gone, but I am alive. Tom’s wish for me was to live my life and find happiness and I am really trying hard to do that. It is when I can do this, that my emotion of guilt is replaced with gratitude.

When I feel gratitude, there is no room for that little bastard of guilt. Gratitude is an emotion that many find hard to find, but if you can, it will allow you to find the happiness that seems impossible when you experience loss. So as I stood in the HEB aisle today, I took the journey from guilt to gratitude. Sometimes, the journey is fast; sometimes, it takes a hot minute to figure things out.

As we approach the first holiday of the season, I wish nothing but a fast journey from guilt to gratitude for those that are struggling. Focus on gratitude as hard as it may be, just stay focused.

All my love,

Lara