I am not talking about a strange world occupied by dinosaurs and sleestak, but the strange world of widowhood. It has its own obstacles and dangers to get through to survive. Only now that I have moved forward in this journey can I look back and see how far I have come. I can also look back with awe and a sense of pride at how I have fought through the obstacles that being a widow has thrown at me. I can’t say I have found my way back to a land I once knew, and I am not sure that is a possibility, but I am finding my way in this strange world I now occupy.

I recently completed a DIY project that I am super happy with. I started the project back in March of this year and had such an epic fail when it first started that I pushed it off to the side of the garage, thinking I would most likely not finish it. I didn’t beat myself up for not finishing it; I just resigned myself that it was a project not in my wheelhouse. I didn’t have the skill set it took to complete it. In my pre-ALS world, I would have asked Tom to help, and he would have. Okay, so really, I would have asked him and just let him finish it for me. That is what really would have happened. This time, there wasn’t anyone to ask. I let that half-finished project sit and collect dust for months. In August, I decided I could figure it out because I had to if I wanted to get things done. That’s the hard part in widowhood: you don’t have a partner you can rely on. Someone that you know when you ask for help will be there. That was not always the case during the ALS journey. There were times during the ALS journey when I reached out and asked for help, but the help didn’t come. I get it. People have their own lives to live. They are doing their own thing, and sometimes, your need for help does not fit into their schedule or even their wheelhouse. So, I stopped asking for help as much as possible. It was easier to get through than deal with the disappointment of asking and no one there to provide the help. And, of course, there were times I didn’t have the energy to ask; I just struggled, hoping someone would see and offer.

Well, yesterday, I completed the project. All said and done, it was not hard, just overwhelming. That is an excellent way to describe widowhood, which is overwhelming. Tasks that you may see and go, “What’s the big deal?” are HUGE to those navigating the world of widowhood. When Tom died, I had to step out of the world I knew and act as if I had been living in this new widow world forever. It is hard. I doubted every step I took. I was often given lots of advice by people who could only imagine my world, all well-meaning, but advice that meant nothing to me. I knew from the beginning, because of the journey I had after I lost the twins and our son, that I had to do widowhood my way. It has meant I have done things that make people question my sanity. Heck, I question it, too, but I have taken every step cautiously. I looked at each situation and, most importantly, gauged how I felt about it. What was I feeling? Was it fear, or maybe it was anxiety? I sat with it to try and understand it before moving forward.

As I enjoyed the fruits of my labor, I reflected on other steps I have taken in the past few weeks and could see how working through the problem of the project allowed me to take another big step in this land of the lost. I am becoming way more productive, and that feels really good. I was not productive because of work or due to an advocacy commitment, but I was productive in my own life. Doing the things I did before ALS was hard. Reminders that a world with Tom was over. I can also see that many of the trips I have taken recently, while all amazing and I don’t regret one second, were my way of running from the reality of my life. If I am off having a good time, the project could sit and collect dust without me feeling bad about it. If I was jetting off to Europe, it didn’t matter if the kitchen wasn’t clean; I wasn’t there to see it. Completing the project was one more building block I needed to continue to find my way through this land of the lost. I know I still have a long journey, but I am happy I have developed the skills to look back and see how far I have come. I am happy I have the confidence to tackle projects I once would have left to Tom to save me from. I am learning; I have to save myself sometimes, and each time I do, I build confidence that I can navigate this land of the lost. I could also handle any sleestak that came my way too. You know I will report back to you if I see any but it will have to wait until my next big trip is over. I am heading to Belize at the end of the month. This time, I am not running away from my reality but will be doing so mindfully in this land of the lost.

All my love,

Lara