After weeks of feeling optimistic about Christmas, I’ve hit a wall. It’s as if the weight of it all has caught up with me. Just a few days ago, I wrote a post on Facebook about hope and Christmas, but today, I find myself in a different place. This is grief, and it’s part of my journey.

As I began preparing for tomorrow, I noticed myself slipping into a state I can only describe as a funk. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m feeling, but the truth is, I’m not sure I feel anything at all. It’s not sadness, but I do miss Tom and the life we shared. It’s not anger, but I despise ALS for shattering our lives and taking my husband. It’s not fear, but the uncertainty of the future fills me with dread—especially knowing the future I envisioned for us will never come to be.

So, maybe I do feel something. A lot of somethings. And that’s okay.

What breaks my heart is knowing that many others are facing similar emotions tonight. The loss of a loved one leaves a void that’s not just in the memories, but in their physical absence. For those of us who are grieving, this loss feels overwhelming, especially around the holidays. Yet, I try to stay hopeful, knowing these feelings are temporary. The question, though, is how long will this funk last? Will I feel better tomorrow? I never really know.

For me, there’s no magic fix. I can’t simply turn to one thing to make it better. I have to work through it. I need to understand my feelings, recognize what’s causing them, and learn from the experience. Sometimes, I grasp the lesson quickly; other times, it takes longer. But through it all, I know I will get through this. I’ll adjust to this new version of normal. I’ll find happiness again, and I’ll regain hope.

Until then, I will feel. I’ll feel the absence of Tom, and the grief that comes with it.

And you know what? It’s okay. I know I will be okay—and so will you, if you’re walking a similar path. This is something I want those who haven’t experienced this kind of loss to understand: We know we will be okay. We just need to work through our feelings, in our own time. There will be ups and downs, and sometimes they’ll come in the same day or week. But that’s the nature of grief. It’s the price we pay for loving deeply.

Can I tell you something? I would choose love every time, even knowing the pain of grief. That’s how powerful love is.

Hope will come. We’ll make it through Christmas in our own way, and when we look back, we’ll see how strong we really are. We’ll remember how we conquered this day, and yes, love will have carried us through it.

All my love,

Lara