Yesterday was unexpectedly hard for me. In a way, I was not aware of, until my special guy pointed it out to me. Yesterday, I resigned from my part-time job. I resigned because I am ready to focus my energy on something that I am incredibly passionate about: advocacy in the veteran space.
The unexpected sadness that resigning brought, I now understand, thanks to Grant, has more to do with this being another tie that is being cut from my life with Tom. I started working for this company just after Tom was diagnosed. Just a year before, I had transitioned from being an independent environmental consultant to working at a firm. Working for myself was an incredible experience, but I knew that to grow as a professional, I needed to work in a setting that would allow that growth. In the three years I spent at the consulting firm, I learned and grew as a regulatory consultant and project manager and had incredible industry mentors. I loved what I did.
When it was determined that Tom needed a trach, my professional life came to a grinding halt. I had to give up a career I didn’t just love but one I worked very hard to establish myself and my reputation. I had to pass along my clients to others in my office. Clients that I was proud to have.
Tom shared in my professional success. He had a front row seat in it. He was, without a doubt, my greatest supporter and cheerleader. He was also my therapist when I was worried about a project and how I should handle things. He would always remind me that whatever happened, we had each other. Having an emotional safety net allowed me to “go for the brass ring” as my Dad would say. Tom wrapped me in love and support, and that gave me the strength to go for my dreams and not focus on the “what-ifs” of failing. Because of that love and support, I started my own environmental consulting company and later a separate solid waste training company specializing in medical waste management and used by the waste industry in Texas.
After Tom died, I had no idea what I would do moving forward. I got a call from the office asking me back. Not as an environmental consultant, as that department had gone away after Covid, but to come back to help part-time in the office as needed. Going back to work was strange after years of caregiving, but I looked forward to being back with my work family. A family that I could be myself and talk about Tom, and they would get it. Returning to work allowed me to be vertical and get out of bed. Going back to that office was the soft landing I needed after losing my amazing husband. I will forever be grateful for the company and those working in the Austin office.
It wasn’t until yesterday evening that it hit me. Leaving the company I started when Tom was alive was one more step forward in a life that no longer had Tom in it. One more tie, one more connection broken of something Tom and I shared. Last night, as I cried, I thought about how many more ties or connections that I shared with Tom would break in the future. How many more? At what point will my life have very few ties to Tom? That is a scary thought! As I move forward, I will gain new memories and create new ties or connections with those moving forward with me.
Yes, yesterday was heartbreaking. Sometimes, these things hit when we least expect them. I woke up this morning with sadness still in my heart. Like with every part of this widow journey, I have learned I must feel the feels and understand the what and the why until I can accept it and continue to move forward. It is sad that the ties that wrapped Tom and I together as a couple are breaking, but I understand it must happen to make room for new ones. It just hurts when they break and float way.
Do me a favor, if your person is with you, hug them tight and enjoy the ties that bind you in your relationship. If you are in this widow lane with me, I hope you find new ties to bind you to the people in your life that you love and love you.
All my love,
Lara
