When I first started to think about this post, I had a completely different thought, but as I stare at the screen, I decided to take a different approach. What I had planned on talking about was the end of grief therapy for me. The end of therapy is actually due to the fact my therapist is retiring. She is someone I first went to see in 2010 to finally process the loss of the babies. Then it was to help me through the stress of a business divorce and most recently, the ALS journey and beyond. She has been there off and on for me for awhile.

However, during our session last week, we stumbled on a topic that I was aware of, but one I haven’t put a ton of thought in to. That topic was the new version of someone that develops after a traumatic event and in this case, the loss of my husband of 32 years. I was talking to her in terms of “this new me” and the changes I am making in my life. She countered with the idea of, is it a new version of myself, or the most authentic version of myself. That’s hard to wrap my brain around. How am I more authentic today then before Tom died? While I am still exploring this, I do see the changes in myself. I am most definitely not the same person as I was before ALS, I mean how could I be? I am not the same person I was during the ALS journey nor am I the same person I was just after Tom died. This version of me, while still somewhat broken from his loss, is putting herself back together in a way that feels right.

Pre-ALS, I was someone that was more of a people pleaser, always wanting to make everything okay, make everyone happy. The old version of myself, would feel guilty for things outside of my control. The old version of myself, didn’t want to upset anyone and I was most definitely not confrontational. That may come as a shock to many. Without a doubt, Tom was my protector. He was confrontational. He gladly stepped in for me when things were tough and yes, was happy to fight my battles for me which I let him. He gave no f*cks about guilt or being a people pleaser, of course Trey and I were the exception. He was an absolute marshmallow with us. During ALS our roles changed. As he turned inward to absorb the diagnosis and later spent his energy fighting the disease, it was I that stepped in and became his protector. When left with the choices of fight or lay down, I chose to fight. Fight for him, our son and our family. I fought ALS for him, the State of Texas with regards to his retirement and the Veterans Health Administration all for him and our family. Love and fear are powerful motivators aren’t they? Since Tom’s passing, I have had to step in and again, do the uncomfortable. Life without my husband. Be a solo parent. Be a solo person. For 32 years, I was part of a “we” and now I am learning to live as “me”.

How am I different than the old version of myself. Well, for starters, I am learning to set boundaries and for seeing those that can’t respect them as trespassers. I am learning that boundaries are important and necessary for your mental health. I have learned to be unapologetic about how I was grieving which in turn, has helped me to be better at not always going for the quick, “I’m sorry” as a reaction. Now, I am okay with the silence or break in a conversation where I would say those words. Post Tom, or Tom A.D., I am learning to be protective of my time, my space and my peace. This form of self care means that I don’t let guilt have a say when it comes to things that make me happy or that is fulfilling to me. I have more patience with others and for myself. I am leaning into things that are outside my comfort zones and finding new avenues of joy and happiness. Where Tom was my sounding board and provided me with guidance, I listen more to my inner voice and I am guided by experience and wisdom with a hint of “oh shit, I hope this works out” attitude. The version of me today is learning to quiet the chaos in my head using tools in my toolbox like mindfulness and meditation, and that is a powerful thing. The version of me today is placing more value on peace probably because peace has been something I have been hunting for some time and now that I have felt it, I want more and will do what I can to protect it.

I am still getting to know this new authentic version of myself, but so far I like her. I scare myself sometimes with the things that I do or say, but it is a fleeting fear as I know it is coming from a place where I had to do hard things and I know, I can do this Tom A.D version of life. Honestly, I think Tom would really like this version. I like to think he is smiling that smile of his and saying, “she finally got it, she now sees in herself, what I saw in her my whole life.”

All my love,

Me!