How is it possible to see beauty when grieving? The days should be grey and stormy, and they should reflect they way you feel…and yes, that is how I feel much of the time. Tom’s loss has left me lost and some days I can not see beyond my sadness, but there are moments when I see that just for a short time, the storm is passing and the sun peaks out.
If you would have asked me how I was yesterday, I would have easily said, not great. Monday and Tuesday were tough. Dealing with the start of probating Tom’s estate has had me crying. Thinking how cruel it is that part of this administrative process is removing Tom from accounts. Erasing him from life. In these moments, I am left wishing I could touch and kiss Tom just one more time. Ask him for much need advice and often thinking to myself, “how is this my life”?
Then there are moments when If you were to ask me how I am doing, like today, I would say, not bad. I woke up with a gift waiting for me. One where the beauty of grief shows itself if you are open to it. It was this gift that elevated my mood and allowed me to do some advocacy to help others.
So what was the gift? It was pictures and a draft version of a video. I hired a videographer to capture Tom’s Celebration of Life. I knew that I would not have the capacity to remember the day, and honestly, I wanted to remember. So this morning, through tears I looked at every picture and watched the video. As I watched, I was struck with how beautiful it all was. The people that showed up to show their love respect to our family was beautiful. The tribute to Tom regarding his state and military service, beautiful. The love Tom and I had for each other and for our son was front and center in those pictures and that video, and it was just beautiful to see through someone else’s eyes.
The timing of being sent those pictures and that video, was a divine gift. I was reminded that in the middle of my suffering, the beauty of love was there and death cannot erase that love…but the banks and the government…that’s another story!
In true Tom fashion, he would have said he was not worthy of such an outpouring of love, that he was just a man living the hand fate had dealt, and at the same time he would have had a smile on his face and that amazing twinkle in those beautiful green eyes amazed at that outpouring of love.
I will share the video once it is finalized.
All my love,