How long?

On July 29, 2024 By tomstroopsIn Alpha Lima SierraLeave a comment

Working through the grief journey is hard and at times exhausting. There are also the parts of the grief journey that you have to sit, be mindful and try to understand the “why” behind feelings you are having. So many things I have learned while on this journey, mostly things about myself. Like, I am stronger than I feel most days because after all, here it is, two years since Tom died and I am still standing. I have also learned how to tune in to the “big feels”. To dissect them in a way that helps me to understand why I do what I do. For example, when I am in my feels, I shut down. I find it impossible to do anything but binge watch some show on television. I don’t have energy to even respond to text messages or emails. I can get consumed by feelings and don’t want to engage with anyone. Sometimes it takes me several days and possible a week or so to recognize the spiral down, and sometimes, it just takes a moment to recognize what is happening to me.

This morning I woke up and laid in bed trying to figure out what is going on with me. It hit me as I pondered why I was a useless person this weekend…tomorrow is July 30th.

Picture taken a few months after we married.

July 30th is…scratch that…was our wedding anniversary. In fact, if Tom was alive, this would be our 34th wedding anniversary but sadly we were only married 32 years. I say “only” because we were supposed to be married forever. But the reality is that I am no longer married. However, the tradition surrounding our wedding has lived on, but I have been wondering all day if I should continue it. See, Tom and I eloped on the island of Guam. We went to the JP, no wedding dress, no pictures, really nothing except our dinner that night. We went to the NCO Club on Base and it was so late they only had one choice for dinner. That was steak, potatoe, salad and cheesecake. So that meal we made into a tradition. Having it every year. Even when Tom could no longer eat, we grilled the steak, baked the potato, made the salad and blended it so it could be given through his PEG tube. Last year we had the same meal, but it just wasn’t the same. This morning I went to the store to buy that meal but today it didn’t bring me joy or happiness. It was sad to buy this meal. This special meal that Tom and I would eat and remember that day, July 30, 1990. Before I went into the store I was talking with Grant and asked him, how long do you continue a tradition like this? His response, for as long as I need to. I feel like I need to but maybe changing it up just a bit.

During the ALS years we chose to do transitional Christmas traditions. It worked to help us ease into a Christmas without Tom. Now it seems like that is the answer to my question regarding the anniversary tradition. Keep parts, change parts and make it more of a transitional anniversary tradition. For me, it is incredibly hard to maintain traditions Tom and I created. It is hard on my heart, my soul and my mental health. Let’s be honest, if I think about what might have been, it’s all hard!

This is just another part of the grief journey.

All my love,

Lara

A NEW AUTHENTIC BEGINNING

On January 29, 2024 By tomstroopsIn Alpha Lima SierraLeave a comment

When I first started to think about this post, I had a completely different thought, but as I stare at the screen, I decided to take a different approach. What I had planned on talking about was the end of grief therapy for me. The end of therapy is actually due to the fact my therapist is retiring. She is someone I first went to see in 2010 to finally process the loss of the babies. Then it was to help me through the stress of a business divorce and most recently, the ALS journey and beyond. She has been there off and on for me for awhile.

However, during our session last week, we stumbled on a topic that I was aware of, but one I haven’t put a ton of thought in to. That topic was the new version of someone that develops after a traumatic event and in this case, the loss of my husband of 32 years. I was talking to her in terms of “this new me” and the changes I am making in my life. She countered with the idea of, is it a new version of myself, or the most authentic version of myself. That’s hard to wrap my brain around. How am I more authentic today then before Tom died? While I am still exploring this, I do see the changes in myself. I am most definitely not the same person as I was before ALS, I mean how could I be? I am not the same person I was during the ALS journey nor am I the same person I was just after Tom died. This version of me, while still somewhat broken from his loss, is putting herself back together in a way that feels right.

Pre-ALS, I was someone that was more of a people pleaser, always wanting to make everything okay, make everyone happy. The old version of myself, would feel guilty for things outside of my control. The old version of myself, didn’t want to upset anyone and I was most definitely not confrontational. That may come as a shock to many. Without a doubt, Tom was my protector. He was confrontational. He gladly stepped in for me when things were tough and yes, was happy to fight my battles for me which I let him. He gave no f*cks about guilt or being a people pleaser, of course Trey and I were the exception. He was an absolute marshmallow with us. During ALS our roles changed. As he turned inward to absorb the diagnosis and later spent his energy fighting the disease, it was I that stepped in and became his protector. When left with the choices of fight or lay down, I chose to fight. Fight for him, our son and our family. I fought ALS for him, the State of Texas with regards to his retirement and the Veterans Health Administration all for him and our family. Love and fear are powerful motivators aren’t they? Since Tom’s passing, I have had to step in and again, do the uncomfortable. Life without my husband. Be a solo parent. Be a solo person. For 32 years, I was part of a “we” and now I am learning to live as “me”.

How am I different than the old version of myself. Well, for starters, I am learning to set boundaries and for seeing those that can’t respect them as trespassers. I am learning that boundaries are important and necessary for your mental health. I have learned to be unapologetic about how I was grieving which in turn, has helped me to be better at not always going for the quick, “I’m sorry” as a reaction. Now, I am okay with the silence or break in a conversation where I would say those words. Post Tom, or Tom A.D., I am learning to be protective of my time, my space and my peace. This form of self care means that I don’t let guilt have a say when it comes to things that make me happy or that is fulfilling to me. I have more patience with others and for myself. I am leaning into things that are outside my comfort zones and finding new avenues of joy and happiness. Where Tom was my sounding board and provided me with guidance, I listen more to my inner voice and I am guided by experience and wisdom with a hint of “oh shit, I hope this works out” attitude. The version of me today is learning to quiet the chaos in my head using tools in my toolbox like mindfulness and meditation, and that is a powerful thing. The version of me today is placing more value on peace probably because peace has been something I have been hunting for some time and now that I have felt it, I want more and will do what I can to protect it.

I am still getting to know this new authentic version of myself, but so far I like her. I scare myself sometimes with the things that I do or say, but it is a fleeting fear as I know it is coming from a place where I had to do hard things and I know, I can do this Tom A.D version of life. Honestly, I think Tom would really like this version. I like to think he is smiling that smile of his and saying, “she finally got it, she now sees in herself, what I saw in her my whole life.”

All my love,

Me!

Widow Truth-9/28/2022

On September 28, 2022September 29, 2022 By tomstroopsIn Alpha Lima SierraLeave a comment

How is it possible to see beauty when grieving? The days should be grey and stormy, and they should reflect they way you feel…and yes, that is how I feel much of the time. Tom’s loss has left me lost and some days I can not see beyond my sadness, but there are moments when I see that just for a short time, the storm is passing and the sun peaks out.

If you would have asked me how I was yesterday, I would have easily said, not great. Monday and Tuesday were tough. Dealing with the start of probating Tom’s estate has had me crying. Thinking how cruel it is that part of this administrative process is removing Tom from accounts. Erasing him from life. In these moments, I am left wishing I could touch and kiss Tom just one more time. Ask him for much need advice and often thinking to myself, “how is this my life”?

Then there are moments when If you were to ask me how I am doing, like today, I would say, not bad. I woke up with a gift waiting for me. One where the beauty of grief shows itself if you are open to it. It was this gift that elevated my mood and allowed me to do some advocacy to help others.

So what was the gift? It was pictures and a draft version of a video. I hired a videographer to capture Tom’s Celebration of Life. I knew that I would not have the capacity to remember the day, and honestly, I wanted to remember. So this morning, through tears I looked at every picture and watched the video. As I watched, I was struck with how beautiful it all was. The people that showed up to show their love respect to our family was beautiful. The tribute to Tom regarding his state and military service, beautiful. The love Tom and I had for each other and for our son was front and center in those pictures and that video, and it was just beautiful to see through someone else’s eyes.

The timing of being sent those pictures and that video, was a divine gift. I was reminded that in the middle of my suffering, the beauty of love was there and death cannot erase that love…but the banks and the government…that’s another story!

In true Tom fashion, he would have said he was not worthy of such an outpouring of love, that he was just a man living the hand fate had dealt, and at the same time he would have had a smile on his face and that amazing twinkle in those beautiful green eyes amazed at that outpouring of love.