I have two rooms in my home that have been the “dump it and forget about it” rooms since Tom died. If I come across something like old medical documents, pictures or even just cards between the two of us, it goes in one of the two room. Don’t get me wrong there is other stuff that I drop in there that I have no clue what to do with. Those things that I would always ask Tom, if we really need the object. You know what I am talking about, old electronic components, owner’s manuals, old computers that no longer work. There were some things he couldn’t part with so we kept them. There are things I can’t part with like pictures Trey colored when he was in elementary or birthday cards that Tom wrote loving things in. I think we all have these rooms or at least a corner of a room where we put those items we just are not sure what to do with. I am tip-toeing around the idea of actually calling myself a hoarder, but let’s be honest, do I really need to keep owner’s manuals when I can pull them up on-line?

This afternoon, I started pulling all the crap out of my front room. It use to be my office when I had my own environmental consulting company. It was a great office too, but that part of my life is over. Then during the ALS years, I put in some exercise equipment. I always seemed to over-estimate my time and abilities. As I look through all the paperwork, trashing old work papers and yes the owner’s manuals, I am finding little treasures. The cards from Tom that I put in there because I just couldn’t handle looking at them, today are sweet finds. While they still make my heart hurt, seeing his handwriting, knowing he touched THAT card does bring me, but for a moment, back to him. Just as I am drawn back to him with sweet memories, not so sweet ones come at me too. The medical binder I kept in the early day’s with the Doctor’s notes that identified his diagnosis was ALS. The first handicap placard he received because he was having problems with foot-drop. I found an old planner with all the doctor’s appointments and little notes I wrote to myself, like a daily journal. Such raw emotions in the beginning. The prayers I would write, praying he had anything but ALS.

There are so many memories and emotions living in these two rooms. I am actually surprised I found the energy to even attempt to tackle my front room. If it tells you anything, the room I should have started with is my guest room, but the memories and emotions living in that room, well, that is just too much for me right now. Not sure there is a meditation I can use to prepare to tackle that beast of a room. What do I hope to gain from cleaning up the front room, besides a clean front room? I think I hope to figure out how to mesh the old memories and emotions with new ones. I am hoping to claim that room back, much like I am trying to claim my life back. This has been such a hard journey both the ALS life and now life without Tom. I know Tom would want me to move on, to figure out who I am and forge ahead, but I am just having a hard time with letting go. Can you say lot’s and lot’s of feelings of guilt come to me when I think of moving forward. I have even had those close to me tell me I should not have those feelings, but saying it and feeling it are two very different things.

So, I take baby steps. Baby steps in moving forward. Baby steps in giving myself permission to live a new and different version of a beautiful life. Today I am taking that baby step by tackling one of the two rooms that hold so many memories. I am cleaning up, making it my own and trying really hard not to feel guilty about it.