For about a year now, I have noticed that either I don’t really have dreams anymore or maybe it is more of I don’t remember my dreams. This is weird because I would have crazy, vivid dreams. In our pre-ALS lives, part of the getting ready for work routine would be spent telling the Big He about my dreams. It was in my dreams where I would work out my problems. Problems always seemed to solve themselves in my dreams. That doesn’t happen anymore. I am pretty sure it has something to do with the emotional and physical stress I live with these days along with the sleep deprivation that has become the norm with cargiving 24/7.
For what ever reason, this morning I was dreaming. It was amazing and I remember when the Big He woke me up because he needed suctioning, I had this feeling of happiness in my heart. When things calmed down with the Big He I tried so very hard to get back to that dream, because only in my dreams are the Big He and I that couple before ALS.
So what was the dream? I remember the moments just before I woke up and in those moments, Tom was laying in bed with a scratch on his forehead. As I stood over the bed I asked what happened. He didn’t know how the scratch got there. So, I climbed in bed and snuggled close and rested my head on his chest. It was pure and simple comfort and peace when my head hit his chest.
As I tried to get back to that dream, the words “only in my dreams” circled around my head. ALS has robbed me and the Big He of the life we knew. It is now in my dreams I find my way back to that place of familiarity and peace of our pre-ALS life. This post-ALS life has taken so much from us.