As the end of the year hurdles towards us, I can’t help but think (like most folks) about this past year. What pop’s in my head is just what the title of this post says, the good, the bad and the ugly. This year is was one of those defining years. Like a HUGE big, black mark that delineates our lives from one event to another. Most people understand this and if you don’t, you are one lucky bastard! The Big He and I have been saying that our time together has had many lives. There was the just get married and military life, the civilian life, the life of grieving parents, the life of the Little He, and now the Alpha Lima Sierra life.
The Bad. Needless to say learning the devastating news that the Big He has Alpha Lima Sierra is bad, bad, bad. Like throat punch ALS bad (thanks again Ronnie, love that). Finding our way through this darkness has been hard. Having to tell the Little He about his dad, was absolutely horrible. I can remember the day, the moment and the look on my baby-boy’s face when he understood what I was saying. BAD! Watching my handsome husband be told he had a disease with no cure and it was a fast progressive disease was…well it ranks up there with telling the boy and losing the babies. Life altering. This is where we collectively shout SUCKITALS!
The Ugly. [Yes, I know I am out of order, but want to end on a happy note] The ugly is what you don’t see or what I don’t write about it, until now. The ugly is how this disease has impacted us emotionally. It’s not just bad but ugly. Tempers are on edge because of stress. The Big He has progressed. We see the weakness, the can’t do the things he once did, some choking. We even have seen the ugly head of depression. It has has snuck back in for me. After we lost the babies I became stuck in my grief. I have lived with depression for many, many years. I was a functional depressed person but depressed none the less. I had anxiety issues and didn’t ever want to leave the house. I would go to work and just be exhausted when I got home. Being with friends was hard. And of course ate my emotions. Depression happens. I see it now and that is why I have started back to seeing my wonderful therapist to talk through the anxieties and to help me better put things in perspective.
The Big He would always tell me after we lost the babies, when I of course would mutter things like, “breeder” or “dam pregnant woman”, when we would cross paths with families that “I had no idea what their story was or what happens when they shut the door at night”. [Don’t hate and don’t judge. It just is what it is or is it was what it was?] He was so right. You never know the ugly that happens when the door closes at night. That little nugget of wisdom from my husband has helped me with dealing with others and I find I remind myself of it a lot.
The Good. Finally, right? The good is the living we have done this year. Amazing how when you are told you will die how you all of sudden want to live. I hate that it took Alpha Lima Sierra to get us living. We have done so much this year thanks to family and friends. The high light reel includes: a trip to Washington D.C., a relaxing weekend in Galveston, a ride on an old bomber, a cruise to Mexico, a long overdue reunion with our military family, family birthday’s, our 26th wedding anniversary, fishing in Corsicana and BORA BORA! That’s living. We will continue to live this life to its fullest in 2017 and beyond!
Not sure exactly sure what 2017 has in store but we will deal with the bad of Alpha Lima Sierra, the ugly of what this disease does and the good of living a fuller life.
Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
All my love and blessings,
One thought on “2016-the good, the bad and the ugly”
There are two things that come to my mind when I read this. The first one is the Lord will never forsake thee or leave thee. These are hard words to hear with what you’re going through. Just speakinG Tom’s name makes me cry even now. But I know I want to be strong for you for your family and for his dad. I know what you’re going through and it rips your heart out. But another song comes to my mind it’s an old song and it says He’s Got The Whole World in His Hands. I believe that for us he’s holding all of us together and together we will face this as best we can. You are some of the loves of our life and we would do anything for you. You have but to ask. We love you and are always here for you. Dad and Jackie.