How long?

Working through the grief journey is hard and at times exhausting. There are also the parts of the grief journey that you have to sit, be mindful and try to understand the “why” behind feelings you are having. So many things I have learned while on this journey, mostly things about myself. Like, I am stronger than I feel most days because after all, here it is, two years since Tom died and I am still standing. I have also learned how to tune in to the “big feels”. To dissect them in a way that helps me to understand why I do what I do. For example, when I am in my feels, I shut down. I find it impossible to do anything but binge watch some show on television. I don’t have energy to even respond to text messages or emails. I can get consumed by feelings and don’t want to engage with anyone. Sometimes it takes me several days and possible a week or so to recognize the spiral down, and sometimes, it just takes a moment to recognize what is happening to me.

This morning I woke up and laid in bed trying to figure out what is going on with me. It hit me as I pondered why I was a useless person this weekend…tomorrow is July 30th.

Picture taken a few months after we married.

July 30th is…scratch that…was our wedding anniversary. In fact, if Tom was alive, this would be our 34th wedding anniversary but sadly we were only married 32 years. I say “only” because we were supposed to be married forever. But the reality is that I am no longer married. However, the tradition surrounding our wedding has lived on, but I have been wondering all day if I should continue it. See, Tom and I eloped on the island of Guam. We went to the JP, no wedding dress, no pictures, really nothing except our dinner that night. We went to the NCO Club on Base and it was so late they only had one choice for dinner. That was steak, potatoe, salad and cheesecake. So that meal we made into a tradition. Having it every year. Even when Tom could no longer eat, we grilled the steak, baked the potato, made the salad and blended it so it could be given through his PEG tube. Last year we had the same meal, but it just wasn’t the same. This morning I went to the store to buy that meal but today it didn’t bring me joy or happiness. It was sad to buy this meal. This special meal that Tom and I would eat and remember that day, July 30, 1990. Before I went into the store I was talking with Grant and asked him, how long do you continue a tradition like this? His response, for as long as I need to. I feel like I need to but maybe changing it up just a bit.

During the ALS years we chose to do transitional Christmas traditions. It worked to help us ease into a Christmas without Tom. Now it seems like that is the answer to my question regarding the anniversary tradition. Keep parts, change parts and make it more of a transitional anniversary tradition. For me, it is incredibly hard to maintain traditions Tom and I created. It is hard on my heart, my soul and my mental health. Let’s be honest, if I think about what might have been, it’s all hard!

This is just another part of the grief journey.

All my love,

Lara

Story Time-Our Wedding Day

The Big He and I get to celebrate our anniversary for two days. I know, you are asking yourself, how is that possible. Well, 31 years ago, we eloped on the island of Guam, which is a day ahead of the US. Guam was the Big He’s first Duty Station. We had planned for me to visit for the summer of 1990 and would marry later in the year. Well, as with any good love story between two very young kids, fate had us marry earlier than we thought.

A few days after my last college final in May 1990, I was on a plane to visit the Big He on the island of Guam. I had a return ticket for the first part of August. I would have two whole months, sixty consecutive days to be with him. By this point in our relationship we may have had a total of 45 days we were physically together and keep in mind they were not consecutive.  Let me just say, I had the best time with him on the island. I was, for the first time in my life, off on my own-okay I was with the Big He but it still counts. I was on a tropical island with the most gorgeous man AND he was in a uniform. Who knew I had a thing for smart-ass and uniforms. In mid-July, the Big He was preparing to go off island for an exercise. He would be gone for 30 days. We had only two choices for what I could do. I could go home early or stay. So, we got married July 30th, 1990 which was about one year after we went on our first date. I was twenty years old and he was twenty-one. I had no job and only 2 years of college under my belt. He was just an Airman First Class and on the day we married, he had negative $80 in the bank. He had bounced a check for a microwave of all things. Of course a bounced check could not stop love!

You would think finding out you were negative $80.00 would be the worst thing that could happen on your wedding day…it wasn’t. You ready? Here is the story…

We had arranged for two friends of the Big He to come with us to be witnesses and also because one of them had a vehicle to get us to the Justice of the Peace (JP). There was actually five people in the vehicle that went that day. At the JP’s office, we did have to wait a litte bit. In those minutes before our time to get hitched, my stomach was a ball of nerves. The Big He and I could barely look at each other. I knew I wanted to get married, but man was I scared. Standing in front of the JP and looking into the beautiful green eye’s of my future husband, the best I could mumble when asked if “I take him to be my…” was not “I do” but “Yea”. WTH??? Such a romantic and traditional way to express my desire to cheris this man for richer or poorer or in sickness and in health. The look on his face…he has yet to let me live that down.

After the ceremony, which there are zero pictures, we headed to McDonalds because everyone was hungry. Remember I said the Big He had bounced a check…yep no money to eat. After McDonalds we headed back to Base. On our way back, we were pulled over because the driver was speeding. After getting a ticket, we took off once again towards Base. About a mile down the road, we had blowout. Not a big deal until we realized there wasn’t a spare. The blowout occured on a back road to Base and in the middle of no-where. There was however a small house on the edge of the boonies or jungle line. I was voluntold to go knock on the door and ask to call the Law Enforcement Desk. Oh, hey, did I mention that all the people in the truck were cops but I was the one that was supposed to knock on a stranger’s door for help. One of our brave USAF LE’s did come with me and the LE Desk would be sending a patrol car to come get us and sending a tow truck as well.

As we waited in typical tropical island weather, we had on again, off again rain events. Y’all know I have naturally curly hair right? It does not do well in hot, rainy, humid weather. The tow truck was the first to arrive. My new husband and our friend Daryl, my man-of-honor, jumped in the truck and off they went to Base. Yes, if you are asking yourself, did she say new husband left with Daryl, that would be correct. I was left alone on the side of the road with two people, none of which were not my new husband! The two LE’s decided it was probably a good idea to start walking back to Base in hopes the patrol car would get to us soon. Yep, that didn’t work out very good. The patrol went out the wrong gate which took him around the island before he caught up with us…only a few miles from Base at this point.

Once back on Base, we were dropped off at the dorms, where my new husband was waiting for me, freshly showered and I swear he took a nap cause he look rested. Me on the other hand, had wild crazy curly hair, sweaty and my pretty white heals were worn flat from walking on the road which had a coral base to it. Once I freshened up, we went to have a wedding dinner at the NCO club…cause we had no money and he knew if he took me to the Mac T I would kill him. The only thing left that late in the evening was steak, potatoe and salad. They also had a few slices of cheesecake for dessert so that was our meal. One we have eaten every year since. Steak, potatoe, salad and cheesecake for dessert.

The day wasn’t picture perfect but that is not really what a marriage is about is it? It’s about the people. We actually laughed most of the day and night about what had transpired. The Big he and I have always found reason’s to laugh. We just love being with each other and truly enjoy each other’s company.

Since it is already July 30th in Guam, I am taking the opportunity to wish my beloved a Happy Anniversary. Love you more!

All my love,

The She