Tag: Drivetanks.com

How long?

On By tomstroopsIn Alpha Lima SierraLeave a comment

Working through the grief journey is hard and at times exhausting. There are also the parts of the grief journey that you have to sit, be mindful and try to understand the “why” behind feelings you are having. So many things I have learned while on this journey, mostly things about myself. Like, I am stronger than I feel most days because after all, here it is, two years since Tom died and I am still standing. I have also learned how to tune in to the “big feels”. To dissect them in a way that helps me to understand why I do what I do. For example, when I am in my feels, I shut down. I find it impossible to do anything but binge watch some show on television. I don’t have energy to even respond to text messages or emails. I can get consumed by feelings and don’t want to engage with anyone. Sometimes it takes me several days and possible a week or so to recognize the spiral down, and sometimes, it just takes a moment to recognize what is happening to me.

This morning I woke up and laid in bed trying to figure out what is going on with me. It hit me as I pondered why I was a useless person this weekend…tomorrow is July 30th.

Picture taken a few months after we married.

July 30th is…scratch that…was our wedding anniversary. In fact, if Tom was alive, this would be our 34th wedding anniversary but sadly we were only married 32 years. I say “only” because we were supposed to be married forever. But the reality is that I am no longer married. However, the tradition surrounding our wedding has lived on, but I have been wondering all day if I should continue it. See, Tom and I eloped on the island of Guam. We went to the JP, no wedding dress, no pictures, really nothing except our dinner that night. We went to the NCO Club on Base and it was so late they only had one choice for dinner. That was steak, potatoe, salad and cheesecake. So that meal we made into a tradition. Having it every year. Even when Tom could no longer eat, we grilled the steak, baked the potato, made the salad and blended it so it could be given through his PEG tube. Last year we had the same meal, but it just wasn’t the same. This morning I went to the store to buy that meal but today it didn’t bring me joy or happiness. It was sad to buy this meal. This special meal that Tom and I would eat and remember that day, July 30, 1990. Before I went into the store I was talking with Grant and asked him, how long do you continue a tradition like this? His response, for as long as I need to. I feel like I need to but maybe changing it up just a bit.

During the ALS years we chose to do transitional Christmas traditions. It worked to help us ease into a Christmas without Tom. Now it seems like that is the answer to my question regarding the anniversary tradition. Keep parts, change parts and make it more of a transitional anniversary tradition. For me, it is incredibly hard to maintain traditions Tom and I created. It is hard on my heart, my soul and my mental health. Let’s be honest, if I think about what might have been, it’s all hard!

This is just another part of the grief journey.

All my love,

Lara

Making Memories With a BANG!

On By tomstroopsIn Alpha Lima Sierra1 Comment

A few weeks ago we did a summer vacay. Not the one that was originally planned which was to go to Las Vegas. Vegas was actually going to be the Spring Break make-up trip that was put on hold due to the Big He’s need for a trach earlier this year. I had planned for us to go to a gun range in Vegas that had really cool military stuff to shoot and drive. It was going to be one of those things the Big He could share with the Little He. Let the Little He shoot the same guns his dad used while in the Air Force. We didn’t do Vegas because we were just not ready to fly and do that extensive travel as a disabled family. Big He and Little He were up for it…bottom line I was scared. So, instead of scrapping a trip all together, I found a place just outside of San Antonio that could let my men experience some good clean fun at the shooting range as well as have things for me and the Big He’s caregiver to enjoy.

Where did we go? Ox Hunting Ranch in Ulvade, Texas. This is also the site for DRIVETANKS.com. We spent three days and two nights on the ranch and while it was HOT, we had a great time…well mostly had a great time. Now days in order to travel I have had to step up my logistics game. Prior to our arrival we had to connect with the local ALS Association to get their help with DME that we could use while at the ranch. Additionally, I had to coordinate with the ranch to see if cabins cold accommodate the added DME. Of course all worked out. The equipment we needed was delivered and the ranch had the room set up to accommodate the Big He’s needs.

When we left Cedar Park, we ended up taking the scenic route which of course took a tad bit longer then the more direct route. You know what, I am glad we did. As I drove to Uvalde, I thought over and over about how I wish we would have spent more time taking the scenic route during our lives then the more direct route. While the end points are the same, one path is easy, straightforward and is not much to remember while the other may have more twists and turns,more enjoyable and gives you many more memories.

I won’t lie, the three day’s had their up’s and down’s but overall a good time was had by all. It was our first trip since all the…I don’t even know what to call it…all the hardship of the first part of the year. The highlight for the trip was to take place at DRIVETANKS.COM. We had arranged for the Little He to not only shoot the same weapons his Dad did while in the military but to drive a tank. Part of the day also included having one of the Big He’s Air Force Brothers show up to be the surrogate Dad we needed to participate in the events. This is not my wheelhouse and just not my thing but I wanted the men in my life to enjoy the day which is why Brother Billy was called to help out. As always, he was there when we asked with not only a camera to capture the day but also venison sausage for us to take home.

The DRIVETANKS folks were A-MAZING. I knew that my Little He was in good hands and was safe and shown proper gun safety during this adventure. We found out all the guys were Veterans as well and they made the day very special for our boy. They get it. They understood the significance of this trip. I know we just met the men but it is like with everyone we meet that have served…instant connection and instant family. Doesn’t matter which Branch or when you served, there is a connection that you just don’t understand unless you are part of this Band of Brothers I don’t ever really get it as I am on the periphery as a wife…also known as ‘the dependa’. The Big He and I married just 10 months after he joined the Air Force so I have been watching and experiencing this for a long time.

I also can’t talk about the trip without talking about the incredible place that the Ranch is. The animals all around were incredible and so beautiful. The people from guest services, our guide Matt, Entertainment Director Chelsea, and the rest of the staff were so accommodating and helpful. They truly want you to enjoy yourself and enjoy the beauty that is Ox Hunting Ranch. We stayed in a cabin on a little lake. The animals are free to roam throughout the cabin area so watching them get so close was incredible. The quiet that surrounds you at night is so relaxing. The Little He and I were able to just sit outside at night and spend some quality time together. We even did a little stargazing using an app on my phone.

I am glad we went. I am so grateful for all the people that helped us make this trip. Amanda the Big He’s caregiver was also a very instrumental part of this trip. She helped to make it possible. She made sure all the equipment was packed, she sat with the Big He in the back of the van to help as needed and worked to get the Big He settled each night and up each morning with his routines so I could spend some time with the Little He.

Amazing adventure. Memories made to last a lifetime.

All my love,

The She.