Anybody else say this to themselves from time to time? Me, I have said this most of my life. Are you surprised by this? I am the person farthest from being THAT person that has their stuff together but I am working on things. In some areas of my life, I have made it and I don’t need to fake it anymore. Like, being comfortable in my own skin. Am I confident 100% of the time, nope, but I am comfortable enough to not give a #uck about things that really don’t matter in the end. That comes with age, and experience. Also, let’s face it, having to travel a terminal disease and slowly watch someone you deeply love die is truly a life changing experience. It can make you bitter, see only the negative in life and keep you a prisoner to the grief OR it can make you better, be a more positive person and help propel you to the life you should be living, one that honors the life that was lost too soon and allows you to live a freer life.
On the flip side of the disease, as a widow/widower seeing beyond the pain and suffering of the grief is hard to see better days are ahead. That’s when faking it till you make it is a great skill to work on. If you have read my posts, you have been witness to my struggle and how hard it has been to see that better days are coming when you are in the thick of the grief fog. I have a playlist on my phone that have become part of my morning routine. They are songs I listen to in the shower and as I get ready for the day. Songs that have meaning either because I can relate or I want to be able to relate to them. One of the songs I have been listening to for about a year is by Andy Grammer called These Tears. In the song, he speaks of being alright after loss. This song hits hard as he sings about “learning how to be alone” and “I’m not gonna see you again till one day in another life”. Listening to this song, I have wondered if I will ever be alright. Will I ever be alright? In the past several months as I have listened to it, I can now honestly say, I am going to be alright. I am alright.
While Tom won’t be left in my past, I have found a place for him beside me that allows me to look forward to my future knowing I will be alright and yes I will see him again in another life. Letting go of the dream of forever with him has been incredibly hard, but in order to live fully in my future I must. I am still a work in progress and there are days I can’t stand knowing he is not here, but those days come less and less now.
Here are the full lyrics to the song as well as a link to it.
These tears mean I’m lettin’ you go
I’m learnin’ how to be alone
I’m broken, but give it time
I’m gon’ be alright
These tears mean it’s settlin’ in
That I’m not gon’ see you again
‘Til one day in another life
But I’m gon be al—, I’m gon’ be alright
I been missin’ you tonight
I’ll be missin’ you tomorrow
It’s the hardest pill to swallow
But I’m startin’ to get it down
I try to think of all the times
I thought I wouldn’t make it through
But somehow I always do
And I do the same for you
It don’t mean I’m good with goodbye-bye-bye
But it ain’t all that bad when I cry, cry, cry
‘Cause these tears mean I’m lеttin’ you go
I’m learnin’ how to be alone
I’m brokеn, but give it time
I’m gon’ be alright
These tears mean it’s settlin’ in
That I’m not gon’ see you again
‘Til one day in another life
But I’m gon be al—, I’m gon’ be alright
I see you everywhere
On the sidewalks of my dreams
Like a distant melody
I hear you callin’ and callin’ to me
And I love you, but I leave you
In the past, baby, because I need to
To not go insane
I know I love you the same
(Ah-ooh) It don’t mean I’m good with goodbye-bye-bye
(It don’t mean I’m good with goodbye)
(Ah-ooh) But it ain’t all that bad when I cry, cry, cry
These tears mean I’m lettin’ you go (These tears mean)
I’m learnin’ how to be alone (Oh)
I’m broken, but give it time
I’m gon’ be alright
These tears mean it’s settlin’ in
That I’m not gon’ see you again
‘Til one day in another life
But I’m gon be al—, I’m gon’ be alright
Moving forward in grief is hard, so we fake it till we make it. One day I will look up and see, I made it. That day will be the day I make not just myself proud but Tom as well. That is what he wanted for me. To find happiness, to push forward from his passing and my grief, and to find a future for myself.
All my love,
Lara